Open Book

"The next day was better...and worse."

Oh Bella. Oh poor, sweet Bella. You should really throw on Epicus Doomicus Metallicus to cheer yourself up in the morning, dear.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh on little B-Swan. After all, she's only a 17 year old female trying to make her way through the gauntlet that is high school. Not a girl, not yet a woman. Floating in that post-pubescent, pre-womanhood purgatory where love and lust wage mind wars and reason takes a back-seat to emotional reaction. Then again, it's hard to feel sorry for a character that can't even get excited about experiencing her first snowfall. I'm sorry, I lied. It's not that she can't get excited about her first snowfall. It's that her first snowfall ruins her fucking day.

Relax, Bells. At least you weren't fishing when it started to snow.

Miss BS spends most of this chapter in a narcissistic funk - Edward's not in school and she thinks it's all her fault. Of course, it is her fault; I can't remember the last time a main character not only felt like the world revolved around them - it actually does. "Just because you're paranoid/doesn't mean they're not after you", sang Cobain.

So when Edward finally comes back and Swamie and he get to have their first moment together you'd think it'd be a really electric, magnetic, page turning scene right? Am I right? It's gotta be! Fucking nope. Instead the two mopesters spend the rest of the chapter in Biology lab, rattling off the stages of mitosis to each other (if there's anything romantic about a cell essentially bangin' itself then splitting into two I must have a different definition of the word) and having the most banal conversation known to man. And vamps.

At least I got to learn why Bell-hop moved to shitty Forks from awesome Pheonix in the first place. Turns out her step-dad is a minor-league baseball player and she didn't feel like gettin the chance to travel all over the country visiting new and exciting places. So she chose to spend some time in the World's Worst Town with a real dad she calls by his Christian name.

Of course, if Edward reacted the way a real person would react after hearing that nonsense the book would only be 50 pages long. As must as I would have preferred that, Meyer felt the need to stretch it out to 10 times that length.

I'm starting to regret nutting up.