Nightmare

"As was my routine, I glanced first towards the Cullens' table. A shiver of panic trembled in my stomach as I realized it was empty."

It's been a few days since I've posted. Had to take a break from the book. This shit can wear on a man. Plus, Netflix just sent me another Battlestar Galactica disc, so I had to get that on. Top-shelf Sci-Fi takes precedence over shoddy tween horror any day.

Anyway, my eyes glazed over as I read chapter seven, and when I was done I realized something about it: nothing happens. I thought maybe my mind had wandered to more pleasing topics - beautiful women, a nice fall day in the park, castration - while I read, so I went over the chapter again. And you know something? I couldn't find a damn reason for it to be there.

Here's what happens in chapter seven of Twilight: Bella listens to music. Bella has a nightmare. Bella uses the internet to look up "vampire." Bella goes for a walk in the woods. Bella sits on a fallen tree. Bella thinks about Edward. Bella goes to school. Bella gets hit on by Mike. Bella gets upset because Edward isn't in school. Bella writes an email to her mom. Bella watches TV with her dad. Bella asks her dad if she can go dress shopping with her friends.

The end.

If you ever read the book (and, like Indy telling Elsa not to cross the seal, I'm specifically going to advise you not to - lest you want to be swallowed into Earth's black ass-crack) you can just brush right past the seventh chapter. I just told you all you need to know. (Read the above paragraph again. If it doesn't make you want to take an orangutan fist to the throat then you're infinitely more patient than I).

I've seen better authors fall into the trap of filling pages for the shit of it (there's a huge chunk of paper in The Deathly Hallows where a few characters bounce around from place to place doing stuff that seems important but isn't), but it seems particularly insulting in this instance because Bella does the same thing she's been doing for the past six chapters (out Debbie-downing Debbie Downer) except there's nothing happening around her to advance the plot. I actually found myself longing for a Bella/Edward (Bedward?) conversation in all its retarded glory. At least that would have fired me up - energized me to spit some more Twilight hate from my fingertips. Instead it just left me wondering who the fuck Stephanie Meyer's editor is and if I could ever find a way to have them punched by an orangutan. In the throat.