Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Twilight and a Forty

MVT is back, for Twitards and non-Twitards alike. Tonight, I present to you Twilight and a Forty, in which I consume a 40oz. bottle of Coors Light (ok, technically I'll be consuming two 22oz cans of the Silver Bullet, but "Twlight and a Forty" contains 75% less roof-of-mouth-rape than "Twilight and Two Twenty-Two's") while viewing the first film in the Twilight saga (let that wash over you for a second or ten: "Twilight Saga").

Without further ado, let's get this movie rolling (and this beer cracked).

This DVD menu is hilarious. The way the characters are cut and pasted, and then Edward pops up behind Bella all creeper like is amazing.

I timed the first sip of beer to coincide with the press of the play button. There's no turning back now.

Oh yeah, I have a Slimjim to go along with the 40. Like cookies and milk.

"Dying in place of someone I love seems like a good way to go." Ugh!

Charlie has a GREAT mustache. Look at that thing. Gorgeous. Dude kind of looks like Billy Campbell in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

I wonder if Billy Black waits three risings of the sun before making decisions.

Whoa whoa whoa. Bella just got WAY too excited. She smiled. Tone it down, KS.

What's that Asian chick from Paris Hilton's My New BFF doing in this movie?

Fact: Melissa Rosenberg wrote this movie. She also writes and produces Dexter. Melissa Rosenberg has a split personality.

Ohhhhhhh the Asian chick and Frankie Munez are fighting over Bella!

Here comes Cedric Diggory! Too bad Pattinson doesn't meet the same end 30 seconds into this movie as he did in Goblet of Fire.

Robert Pattinson can't even stare convincingly.

Neither can Kristen Stewart.

Hey who's the Santa creeper? Is that the dude that played Dr. Tom in Ed Wood? Why yes it is!

Who would've thought the little boy from Panic Room would grow up to be a hot chick.

Hey, Catherine Hardwicke kind of put some effort into directing that out of nowhere vamp chase.

I want Charlie to be my dad straight up because of that 'stash. Sorry dad.

AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did RP just say hello like that? WTF? "Haeloo."

I love it how Bella has to remind Edward what his name is. "You're a Cullen." "Oh. Yeah."

Was KS using a Rabbit while talking about the rain?

Fact: I'm a better actor than RP
.

I'm trying to figure out what kind of accent Tyler has. MIKE DEXTER!

I'm terrified of being cut by Peter Facinelli's nose.

KS is definitely using a Rabbit in every scene.

This dude that plays Mike needs to gargle a cup of balls.

Ashley Greene = smoking hot. Smoke. Ing.

RP and KS have about as much chemistry as this Slimjim and my digestive tract.

If you're getting bored with the blog, here's a Brokencyde song

Who you callin' a pale-face, shitty actor?

This scene with the Santa Creep getting dead is all sorts of terrible.

Anna Kendrick is ultra cute. Ultra. Cute.

Sorry about the Brokencyde song.

The rapists were repelled by RP's stale acting.

I've decided I should have called this blog "Twilight and 40 Grams."

Dita Von Teese is a waitress in this film.

I think RP and KS both graduated from the "Acting School of Blink Your Eyes and Shake Your Head Alot. And Whisper. Constantly."

Charlie's mustache needs to be in the 5th book: Twilight - E upper Lips.

This thing is shot like a Nickelodeon show.

"How long have you been 17?" "Awhile." Show 'em how it's done, Alfredson.

RP's cadence in this film reminds me of Hayden Christenson's Star Wars prequel speak. I don't know who's worse.

There's a lot of dew on that grass, Bella. Don't get all wet. Oh wait, too late.

This movie is blue.

"Three things I was sure about. First: Edward was a vampire." You better be sure of that, because he just fucking told you that he was.

"Everyone's staring." "Not that guy. Wait he just looked." That was the most life I've seen in this film since the first minute. And now here's a homoerotic flashback.

Billy Black, giving the Angry Cripple Stare.

Oh nice, give the Native American beer!

First 22 is down. Not fast enough.

"Badly as if, I become the meal." Twilight knows not subtlety.

Ashley Greene is smoking. Smoke.

Ing.

Fact: I have more CD's than Edward Cullen. Line up, ladies.

Oh come on. He isn't even TOUCHING that tree!

"This isn't real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exist," she says. While staring at a tree branch.

Fact: Carter Burwell scored this picture. Fact: he mostly scores films by better filmmakers. Such as the Coen brothers.

"Here's your veggie-plate, Stephanie...seasoned with anticoagulants."

If I ever watched a chick sleep, I'd be arrested. Then again I don't look like my neck exploded hair.

My first make-out session went a lot like Edward and Bella's. Except I stopped after 15 seconds because my crotch exploded.

Drunk Charlie is my hero.

Here's the baseball scene, which I previously wrote about here. It's still terrible. And so is this Muse song.

Where can I buy a hat like Emmet's? You know, with the bill on the side instead of the front?

Rosalie just said to Bella "I can smell it across the field" while looking at Bella's vagina. Awesome.

Lajon Witherspoon
is in this?

This dude that plays James also needs to gargle a cup of balls. After the dude that plays Mike spits them out.

Bella's dad: 'If you stick around we can do more stuff together." Bella: "Like what?" Bella's Dad: "Stare at my mustache in the mirror."

I don't know what group of people are worse: Bella's douchey wannabe hipster friends or blood-thirsty rival vampires.

I told a girl she was my life one time. Then I put her nudie-picture back in the shoebox.

The dude that plays James can't even smell convincingly.

I feel almost embarrassed for Kristen Stewart watching the scene where she's talking on the phone to James. But then I remember she's raking in tons of dough for shitty acting and I stop feeling embarrassed and start getting angry.

Let's see if this reveal is as awkward as it is in the book...

..."she's not even here." YEP, IT IS!

James is about as threatening as Justin Beiber.

Oh no, Bella got her Rabbit stuck in her!

Peter Facinelli's looks like he wishes Fastlane never got cancelled.

What the fuck is this terrible song during the climax? Oh. It's Robert Pattinson. Well, he sings better than he acts. Not a compliment.

HOLY SHIT STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF KS! Her hospital breakdown is all kinds of terrible. She's making Parksinson's sufferers look still.

Taylor Lautner's the only actor in this who doesn't look like his charisma got sucked into Nature's asshole.

I watched a vampire film last night that overstayed it's welcome by about 20 minutes, as this one is doing right now. The difference is the one I watched last night had a lyrical ending, one purely visual. This one is noisy and - WHAT THE FUCK, IS THAT RADIOHEAD? Best part of the movie is the song over the end credits.

The Asian chick's name is Justin?