"I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I'd never used that key in front of him. 'I was curious about you.' 'You spied on me?' But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. He was unrepentant. 'What else is there to do at night?'"
Ew, Edward, you stalky douche!
Nah, just kiddin'. I know how it is. You get bored Facebooking and trying to friend hot chicks on Myspace all night, so you look for something fun to do. Only then you realize none of your friends are around to play Call of Duty, and free-roaming the sandbox play of Grand Theft Auto IV gets boring after the fifth hour. "Might as well just go to bed," you think to yourself. And just as you're about to slide under the covers and dream about how many chicks out of 30 will respond to your friend requests, a light bulb goes off. "Instead of sleeping, why don't I go watch that chick I like sleep instead?" Bingo, bango, bongo, your night just got a lot more interesting.
Well, Eddie ol' buddy ol' pal, instead of ratcheting your creep factor up to just under those dudes Chris Hanson likes to chat with on To Catch a Predator, why don't you induldge in some good old fashioned before bed-time reading? I know I know, reading ain't cool for a human dude, let alone a vampire that shimmers like a Gay Pride Day float in the sun, but hear me out. What if you perused some books about your kind? In fact, why don't I recommend some to you? Oh now c'mon, don't pout. None of the vampires in these books have hair as fashionably shaggy as you. Okay. You're in? Great. Here are three books about vampires that are better than the one you're currently starring in.
3. Let the Right One In - John Ajvide Lindqvist
Little Oskar just wants a friend. Growing up a 12 year old boy in 1980's Stockholm ain't no easy feat. Bella thinks Forks is tough, Eddie? There's snow on the ground allllll year 'round where Oskar lives. Next time she starts bitching about the rain, just throw her that little nug. Shut 'er right up. Anyway, Oskar is lonely, so when a new girl his age moves into the apartment next door, he's intrigued. They form a friendship, then Oskar learns the cold, hard truth: Eli likes to feed on the living. What's the frail little Oskar to do? Nu-uh, I ain't spoilin' that for you Eddie! Just know Let the Right One In has a pedophile vampire in it. Yep, that's right. A pedovamp. Take that, Breaking Dawn.
2. The Strain - Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan
Even if you get done with this in a night, Ed, there are still two parts waiting to be devoured. No not literally, silly! Why is it you'd consider eating paper but not Bella? Gayyyyyy!!! Ahem - ANYWAY! The Strain is the first part of a planned trilogy. Like the next book I recommend, the vampire in The Strain arrives to shore via a large traveling vessel. In Dracula it's a ship. In The Strain it's an airplane. Hello homage! After the plane lands a strange virus overtakes much of New York City (kinda hard to hunt bears there, eh Eddie, amIright?). The virus brings together Dr. Goodweather of the CDC and pawnshop owner Abraham (helloooooo homage number 2!) Setakrian, an old man who knows that this is no ordinary virus: it's a plague slowly turning humanity into a legion of undead. Violent, bloody, and filled with lots of medical terminology. Like Michael Crichton meets Jane Austin!
1. Dracula - Bram Stoker
Gotta be honest, Eddie, this is my favorite book. It's far from perfect, but the atmosphere just drips off each page, and it sure is funny when Bram tries to write as a female! This is it, killer (see what I did there?), the grandaddy of all modern vampire tales. And apparently a book the author of your adventures has never read. Read it and respect it. Might teach you some things about yourself.
Okay, now that that's done you don't have to go-wait...Eddie, where you going? I thought you were going to read these books I just recomme- what do you mean you just did? Right now? While I was telling you about them? Well, alright. I guess. Have fun watching Bella sleep.
Fuckin' vampires.
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