Twilight and a Forty

MVT is back, for Twitards and non-Twitards alike. Tonight, I present to you Twilight and a Forty, in which I consume a 40oz. bottle of Coors Light (ok, technically I'll be consuming two 22oz cans of the Silver Bullet, but "Twlight and a Forty" contains 75% less roof-of-mouth-rape than "Twilight and Two Twenty-Two's") while viewing the first film in the Twilight saga (let that wash over you for a second or ten: "Twilight Saga").

Without further ado, let's get this movie rolling (and this beer cracked).

This DVD menu is hilarious. The way the characters are cut and pasted, and then Edward pops up behind Bella all creeper like is amazing.

I timed the first sip of beer to coincide with the press of the play button. There's no turning back now.

Oh yeah, I have a Slimjim to go along with the 40. Like cookies and milk.

"Dying in place of someone I love seems like a good way to go." Ugh!

Charlie has a GREAT mustache. Look at that thing. Gorgeous. Dude kind of looks like Billy Campbell in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

I wonder if Billy Black waits three risings of the sun before making decisions.

Whoa whoa whoa. Bella just got WAY too excited. She smiled. Tone it down, KS.

What's that Asian chick from Paris Hilton's My New BFF doing in this movie?

Fact: Melissa Rosenberg wrote this movie. She also writes and produces Dexter. Melissa Rosenberg has a split personality.

Ohhhhhhh the Asian chick and Frankie Munez are fighting over Bella!

Here comes Cedric Diggory! Too bad Pattinson doesn't meet the same end 30 seconds into this movie as he did in Goblet of Fire.

Robert Pattinson can't even stare convincingly.

Neither can Kristen Stewart.

Hey who's the Santa creeper? Is that the dude that played Dr. Tom in Ed Wood? Why yes it is!

Who would've thought the little boy from Panic Room would grow up to be a hot chick.

Hey, Catherine Hardwicke kind of put some effort into directing that out of nowhere vamp chase.

I want Charlie to be my dad straight up because of that 'stash. Sorry dad.

AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did RP just say hello like that? WTF? "Haeloo."

I love it how Bella has to remind Edward what his name is. "You're a Cullen." "Oh. Yeah."

Was KS using a Rabbit while talking about the rain?

Fact: I'm a better actor than RP.

I'm trying to figure out what kind of accent Tyler has. MIKE DEXTER!

I'm terrified of being cut by Peter Facinelli's nose.

KS is definitely using a Rabbit in every scene.

This dude that plays Mike needs to gargle a cup of balls.

Ashley Greene = smoking hot. Smoke. Ing.

RP and KS have about as much chemistry as this Slimjim and my digestive tract.

If you're getting bored with the blog, here's a Brokencyde song

Who you callin' a pale-face, shitty actor?

This scene with the Santa Creep getting dead is all sorts of terrible.

Anna Kendrick is ultra cute. Ultra. Cute.

Sorry about the Brokencyde song.

The rapists were repelled by RP's stale acting.

I've decided I should have called this blog "Twilight and 40 Grams."

Dita Von Teese is a waitress in this film.

I think RP and KS both graduated from the "Acting School of Blink Your Eyes and Shake Your Head Alot. And Whisper. Constantly."

Charlie's mustache needs to be in the 5th book: Twilight - E upper Lips.

This thing is shot like a Nickelodeon show.

"How long have you been 17?" "Awhile." Show 'em how it's done, Alfredson.

RP's cadence in this film reminds me of Hayden Christenson's Star Wars prequel speak. I don't know who's worse.

There's a lot of dew on that grass, Bella. Don't get all wet. Oh wait, too late.

This movie is blue.

"Three things I was sure about. First: Edward was a vampire." You better be sure of that, because he just fucking told you that he was.

"Everyone's staring." "Not that guy. Wait he just looked." That was the most life I've seen in this film since the first minute. And now here's a homoerotic flashback.

Billy Black, giving the Angry Cripple Stare.

Oh nice, give the Native American beer!

First 22 is down. Not fast enough.

"Badly as if, I become the meal." Twilight knows not subtlety.

Ashley Greene is smoking. Smoke.

Ing.

Fact: I have more CD's than Edward Cullen. Line up, ladies.

Oh come on. He isn't even TOUCHING that tree!

"This isn't real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exist," she says. While staring at a tree branch.

Fact: Carter Burwell scored this picture. Fact: he mostly scores films by better filmmakers. Such as the Coen brothers.

"Here's your veggie-plate, Stephanie...seasoned with anticoagulants."

If I ever watched a chick sleep, I'd be arrested. Then again I don't look like my neck exploded hair.

My first make-out session went a lot like Edward and Bella's. Except I stopped after 15 seconds because my crotch exploded.

Drunk Charlie is my hero.

Here's the baseball scene, which I previously wrote about here. It's still terrible. And so is this Muse song.

Where can I buy a hat like Emmet's? You know, with the bill on the side instead of the front?

Rosalie just said to Bella "I can smell it across the field" while looking at Bella's vagina. Awesome.

Lajon Witherspoon is in this?

This dude that plays James also needs to gargle a cup of balls. After the dude that plays Mike spits them out.

Bella's dad: 'If you stick around we can do more stuff together." Bella: "Like what?" Bella's Dad: "Stare at my mustache in the mirror."

I don't know what group of people are worse: Bella's douchey wannabe hipster friends or blood-thirsty rival vampires.

I told a girl she was my life one time. Then I put her nudie-picture back in the shoebox.

The dude that plays James can't even smell convincingly.

I feel almost embarrassed for Kristen Stewart watching the scene where she's talking on the phone to James. But then I remember she's raking in tons of dough for shitty acting and I stop feeling embarrassed and start getting angry.

Let's see if this reveal is as awkward as it is in the book...

..."she's not even here." YEP, IT IS!

James is about as threatening as Justin Beiber.

Oh no, Bella got her Rabbit stuck in her!

Peter Facinelli's looks like he wishes Fastlane never got cancelled.

What the fuck is this terrible song during the climax? Oh. It's Robert Pattinson. Well, he sings better than he acts. Not a compliment.

HOLY SHIT STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF KS! Her hospital breakdown is all kinds of terrible. She's making Parksinson's sufferers look still.

Taylor Lautner's the only actor in this who doesn't look like his charisma got sucked into Nature's asshole.

I watched a vampire film last night that overstayed it's welcome by about 20 minutes, as this one is doing right now. The difference is the one I watched last night had a lyrical ending, one purely visual. This one is noisy and - WHAT THE FUCK, IS THAT RADIOHEAD? Best part of the movie is the song over the end credits.

The Asian chick's name is Justin?

The Hunt, Goodbyes, Impatience, Phone Call, Hide-and-Seek, The Angel, An Impasse, Epilogue.

"I touched my face. 'Look,' I said. 'I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?' 'Yes, it is enough,' he answered, smiling. 'Enough for forever.' And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat."

Blah blah fuckity blah.

I realized, while reading Chapter 18, "The Hunt", that I wouldn't be able to keep going like this. One painful chapter every few days after another. Like circumcision, I was going to have to get this done in one miserable shot. So I sat down for forty minutes and finished the remaining seven chapters. Forgive me, oh Lord.

I almost want to go back and delete what I wrote about "The Game," because what little good-will Meyer had worked up with that decent chapter was pummeled into the ether by the uninspired, flat, depressing last fourth of the book.

At the end of "The Game" a "tracker" (a vampire whose sole mission it is to track their victim) takes a liking to Bella. This is, of course, Bella's fault. Literally. It's explained to her that because she "smells" so good, the tracker (James) can't help himself. He has to kill her. I'm not making this up. Like a domestic violence victim, Bella's again told it's her fault that these things are happening to her. Nice, Meyer. Real nice.

After coming up with come cockamamie plan involving Bella going back to Phoenix to get away from the tracker and some other really unexciting stuff, Bella is finally lured into the tracker's clutches. How? He tricks her. The reveal of the trick is so clumsy and mishandled that I had to read it twice. "There's no way any editor would let writing this shitty slide," I thought. Wrong, Pezz. Wrong.

Anyway, after more unexciting garbage happens, Bella is rescued before she is sucked dry - but not before the tracker bites her hand. Oops! Now she's got vampire venom running through her. The only thing to do? Well, since Edward has seen Caddyshack II, he knows he can suck out the poison.

It's here, folks, where I tell you to get the kiddies out of the room, because I'm bout to get medieval on this book's ass.

Ok, let's back track a little. Edward originally falls for Bella because he's attracted to her scent. It takes all of his power not to feed on her the first time he meets her. He pledges to her that he won't, that he'll keep himself in check. By the end of the book she's begging him to do it. Now, even the most obtuse reader can see the whole feeding deal as a metaphor for sex. It's about the least subtle aspect of a book filled with unsubtle shit.

So here we have Edward, who wants to drink her blood (have sex with her), and we have the tracker who wants the same. Drinking her blood obviously stands in for taking her virginity. Who does it first? The tracker. SO, technically, the tracker pops Bella's cherry. Not only that, but he "poisons" her. He injects her with the substance that would turn her into a vampire. Or, another way to put it: he ejaculates in her.

Still with me? Good.

She's now on the floor, after being beaten and bitten by the tracker, writhing in pain. She's rescued by Edward and his family, who quickly dispatch with James. They realize her dilemma and consider the options. After consulting with one another it's decided the only thing that can happen is the aforementioned poison removal. Edward is reluctant, but his family is relentless, and he finally gives in. He finally does what he promised he wouldn't - he tastes her blood. But not before sucking out James's "fluid."

Let me recap how this book ends, just in case you missed it: not only does Bella get double-teamed in about a 5 minutes span, she's first raped, then practically the victim of a family gang rape AND a pawn in some weird vampire filching ritual.

Ain't that right, Twihards?

**************************************************

Welp, that's about it for the first volume of Man Vs. Twilight. The New Moon installment won't be done in the same way. I'll write an entry every 3 or 4 chapters or so. I think if I can keep the X-Rated analogies while reading the next one the experience won't be as painful.


Oh wait, the Epilogue you say? Fuck the Epilogue.

The Game

"The inning continued before my incredulous eyes. It was impossible to keep up woth the speed at which the ball flew, the rate at which their bodies raced around the field....Carlisle ran into the ball, and then raced Jasper to first base. When they collided, the sound was like the crash of two massive falling boulders."

Maybe it's because I'm in a good mood today. Maybe it's because tomorrow's Friday. Maybe I'm just happy Slayer's finally put out a good album after years of mediocrity. Whatever it is, I actually didn't think Chapter 17 was all that bad.

Relax. I said "all that bad." It's still not good, but it's not the steaming pile the 16 chapters before it are. It's definitely a semi-buffed copper penny buried in a huge mound of shit.

What makes the chapter tolerable (barely) is the idea that when vampires play baseball it's a dramatic, rousing, thunderous (literally) event. These fallen angels smacking the ball thousands of feet and crashing into each other in spectacular fashion is a vision that a much better writer could have made into a subtlety riveting, maybe even classic scene. As Meyer writes it it's perfectly workmanlike. Something an eighth grader (maybe these chicks, who don't know what the word "parody" means?) in advanced English may have come up with. Kudos to Meyer, though, for imagining such a scene. 'Twas the only chapter I read with even a hint of a smile.

I imagined the scene in wide-screen, showing the game being played from afar against the oncoming storm. The bodies tiny specks moving gracefully yet tearing the sound barrier open when they strike. I set the scene up a certain way in my head so thoroughly that I decided to check out Catherine Hardwicke's version (yay Youtube!). While I'm saving the whole movie for after I finish the book, I was actually kind of curious to see it.

Bad move, Pezz.

Set to a so-bad-it's-just-bad Muse song, Hardwicke hyper-edits the shit out of the scene, speed-ramps footage, throws in some unnecessary (and really shitty - seriously, was this a TV movie?) CG, and inserts shots of some Kevin Federline looking douchebag (who I assume is Emmett?) dancing around like an asshole. It's all flash, all spectacle, zero excitement. I have no doubt Hardwicke was told what she could and could not do on this film by people that have absolutely no filmmaking talent and perhaps she bucked them on other parts of the film, but as it stands the game scene is horrendously executed.

I can only hope that this is a turning point in my Everest climb. Maybe the rest of the journey won't be as difficult as I thought.

Maybe. But I doubt it.

Carlisle

"'What will we be playing?' I demanded. 'You will be watching,' Edward clarified. 'We will be playing baseball.' I rolled my eyes. 'Vampires like baseball?' 'I's the American pastime,' he said with mock solemnity."

In Chapter 16, Edward vomits page after page of exposition. Something to do with Carlisle swimming to France in the 1600's and finding out he could survive on animal juice and blah blah blah. Of course vampires can survive on the blood of lesser creatures, Carly. Haven't you ever watched Interview With the Vampire? Don't you remember this?



Anyway, while Edward droned on and on about shit I didn't care about but will probably come back into the story in some not-so-subtle way later in the book or series, my mind began to wander. Finally, after hovering somewhere between thinking about cutting my toenails and whether or not I should open my window to let some cool air in, my mind suddenly remembered that when I'm done with this book I'll be watching the movie. It quickly my mind grasped for something to soothe itself - anything. It's not used to being shocked like that. It finally settled on thinking about other movies featuring vampires, ones that are most likely more fun to watch than the one I'll be watching in about two weeks time. Then it just starting going over watching things that are more fun than Twilight in general. So now I present them to you.

The first one just happens to be a scene from a movie involving vampires. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Corey Haim in a bathtub.



I know. You're thinking "nothing is more fun than watching Corey Haim in a bathtub." Oh contrair.

Next, we have some kid with way to much time on his hands playing Mastodon's "Colony of Birchmen" on Expert in Rock Band 2 - and getting a perfect score.



I gotta admit, that one makes me a little tit jealous.

Finally in our little list of things that are more fun to watch than Twilight, we have a little clip from a movie I adore. The plot of Session 9 is not important. What is important is that it stars fire-crotched David Caruso. In this particular scene he's doing what David Caruso does best. No, not putting on his sunglasses at a crime scene then trying to top whatever awesome one liner he came up with last episode (the's the second best thing he does), but standing on top of an abandoned mental institution smoking what Cypress Hill used to call the "Mary/Juana." The dope is so good it makes him predict what will happen to my life if I keep reading Twilight.



Indeed, DC. Indeed.

The Cullens

"'Will you be?' I asked, suddenly anxious. 'Will you really be here?' 'As long as you want me,' he assured me. 'I'll always want you,' I warned him. 'Forever.'"

The more I read this book, the more depressed I get that people actually enjoy it. Here's something to lighten at least my mood, if not yours.






that's how you handle a stalker, ladies.

Mind Over Matter

"I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I'd never used that key in front of him. 'I was curious about you.' 'You spied on me?' But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. He was unrepentant. 'What else is there to do at night?'"

Ew, Edward, you stalky douche!

Nah, just kiddin'. I know how it is. You get bored Facebooking and trying to friend hot chicks on Myspace all night, so you look for something fun to do. Only then you realize none of your friends are around to play Call of Duty, and free-roaming the sandbox play of Grand Theft Auto IV gets boring after the fifth hour. "Might as well just go to bed," you think to yourself. And just as you're about to slide under the covers and dream about how many chicks out of 30 will respond to your friend requests, a light bulb goes off. "Instead of sleeping, why don't I go watch that chick I like sleep instead?" Bingo, bango, bongo, your night just got a lot more interesting.

Well, Eddie ol' buddy ol' pal, instead of ratcheting your creep factor up to just under those dudes Chris Hanson likes to chat with on To Catch a Predator, why don't you induldge in some good old fashioned before bed-time reading? I know I know, reading ain't cool for a human dude, let alone a vampire that shimmers like a Gay Pride Day float in the sun, but hear me out. What if you perused some books about your kind? In fact, why don't I recommend some to you? Oh now c'mon, don't pout. None of the vampires in these books have hair as fashionably shaggy as you. Okay. You're in? Great. Here are three books about vampires that are better than the one you're currently starring in.

3. Let the Right One In - John Ajvide Lindqvist

Little Oskar just wants a friend. Growing up a 12 year old boy in 1980's Stockholm ain't no easy feat. Bella thinks Forks is tough, Eddie? There's snow on the ground allllll year 'round where Oskar lives. Next time she starts bitching about the rain, just throw her that little nug. Shut 'er right up. Anyway, Oskar is lonely, so when a new girl his age moves into the apartment next door, he's intrigued. They form a friendship, then Oskar learns the cold, hard truth: Eli likes to feed on the living. What's the frail little Oskar to do? Nu-uh, I ain't spoilin' that for you Eddie! Just know Let the Right One In has a pedophile vampire in it. Yep, that's right. A pedovamp. Take that, Breaking Dawn.

2. The Strain - Guillermo Del Toro and Chuck Hogan

Even if you get done with this in a night, Ed, there are still two parts waiting to be devoured. No not literally, silly! Why is it you'd consider eating paper but not Bella? Gayyyyyy!!! Ahem - ANYWAY! The Strain is the first part of a planned trilogy. Like the next book I recommend, the vampire in The Strain arrives to shore via a large traveling vessel. In Dracula it's a ship. In The Strain it's an airplane. Hello homage! After the plane lands a strange virus overtakes much of New York City (kinda hard to hunt bears there, eh Eddie, amIright?). The virus brings together Dr. Goodweather of the CDC and pawnshop owner Abraham (helloooooo homage number 2!) Setakrian, an old man who knows that this is no ordinary virus: it's a plague slowly turning humanity into a legion of undead. Violent, bloody, and filled with lots of medical terminology. Like Michael Crichton meets Jane Austin!

1. Dracula - Bram Stoker

Gotta be honest, Eddie, this is my favorite book. It's far from perfect, but the atmosphere just drips off each page, and it sure is funny when Bram tries to write as a female! This is it, killer (see what I did there?), the grandaddy of all modern vampire tales. And apparently a book the author of your adventures has never read. Read it and respect it. Might teach you some things about yourself.

Okay, now that that's done you don't have to go-wait...Eddie, where you going? I thought you were going to read these books I just recomme- what do you mean you just did? Right now? While I was telling you about them? Well, alright. I guess. Have fun watching Bella sleep.

Fuckin' vampires.

Confessions

"Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds embedded in the surface."

Well, there's still nothing happening in Bedward land (unless you count two characters spitting platitudes back and forth to each other for chapter after chapter), so I thought I would list 30 ways to use your time rather than waste it reading Twilight.

30. Comb your hair.

29. Floss your teeth.

28. Treat a random stranger to dinner.

27. Listen to Strawberry Fields Forever backwards.

26. Listen to Strawberry Fields Forever forwards.

25. Make a sock puppet.

24. Look up the video to Deadsy's "Key to Gramercy Park" on youtube.*

23. Try on old clothes to see if they still fit.

22. Light a book of matches. One match at a time.

21. Figure out a cure for AIDS.

20. Sniff a magic marker.

19. Volunteer at a homeless shelter.

18. Go grocery shopping. For shit you already have.

17. Drink a bottle of Wild Turkey.

16. Pump your stomach.

15. Watch The King of Queens.

14. Leave Kevin James hateful voicemail messages.

13. Slide down the stairs on your stomach.

12. Call your parents.

11. Steal a baby.

10. High-five yourself.

9. If the homeless shelter already has enough volunteers, volunteer your services to someone who already has a home.

8. Comb someone else's hair.

7. Follow someone walking their dog and clean up the crap left behind.

6. Walk.

5. Go to the Saving Abel/Popevil show.*

4. See how many times you can somersault before you vomit.

3. Floss someone else's teeth.

2. Watch a Wayans brothers movie.*

1. Recite Nickleback lyrics to yourself.




*Try at your own risk.